Grief

When someone suffers a loss, it disrupts their sense of the order of things and can sometimes lead to feelings that life is out of control and meaningless. Dealing with the death of a child or young adult can be particularly difficult. When a parent or grandparent dies it may leave an adult child feeling alone and lost. When the loss is confounded by a senseless accident or an unexpected/sudden illness the grief is even more difficult. Feelings are often compounded by a sense of shock and a longing for the opportunity to “say good-bye.” Research suggests that the loss of meaning and control adds distress to the grief and that regaining meaning and a sense of control may help people endure the grieving process. Research also suggests that grieving people function better within an already established support system (e.g., family and friends). If you are aware that a student is grieving:

DO

1. Ask if the student wants to talk about the death/loss.
2. Support any type of reaction (e.g., some students may not cry, but feel guilty about this; others may feel that constant crying is “not normal”). Grieving takes many forms and is individual to each person.
3. Listen carefully. This can help a student experience and gain understanding of feelings and clarify options for dealing with them.
4. Encourage the student to be with family or friends, which may mean taking time away from the university.
5. Recognize that spiritual and religious doubts can be triggered and this is normal; if it seems appropriate, suggest discussing feelings with a priest, minister, or rabbi.
6. Suggest ways that the student can give meaning to the event by memorializing the person who died (e.g., planting a flower or tree; writing a letter/poem/eulogy; creating a memory book; making a quilt; helping to plan a memorial service).
7. Be aware that family may be urging the student to stay in school though the student longs to be at home (particularly with the death or imminent death of a parent).
8. Consider walking the student to Counseling Services (or call 893-4411 to consult) if the student’s reaction is extreme and is frightening to you.

DON’T

1. Assume you know how the student is feeling. For example, avoid saying, “I know how you feel.”
2. Feel pressure to “say the right thing” or break silences. Your supportive and caring presence can be comforting.
3. Force discussion about death and loss.
4. Minimize the loss. For example avoid saying, “Think how much worse it could be.”
5. Judge the student’s response to death. Instead, accept any reaction unless it seems extreme or frightening to you, in which case you should consider walking the student over to Counseling Services.