People of all sexual and gender identities are survivors of sexual violence, although it is the more vulnerable groups in our society who are the most targeted- children, women, transgendered people. We use the female pronoun because the vast majority of survivors on our campus are women. These suggestions might be helpful for anyone. Information about specific populations, including male survivors, is available at the Women’s Center.
Suggestions for ways that others might help a sexual assault survivor
- Believe her.
- Tell her the assault was not her fault.
- Encourage her to make her own decisions and then support those decisions. Don't tell her what to do.
- Ask her if she wants to talk and then take the time to listen.
- Invite her to concerts, activities, dinner, places of nature.
- Ask how she's doing; offer hugs.
- Allow her to cry without telling her to stop or calm down.
- Offer to help find resources and information. Offer to accompany to appointments.
- Don't say "at least you didn't get raped." An attempted rape, or any kind of unwanted sexual contact is a violation.
- Don't tell her to forget about it and move on. Each person must heal in their own way, at their own pace.
- Allow her to tell you what she wants you to know. Don't ask for details. If she doesn't want to talk about it with you, encourage her to talk with someone else.
- Show kindness and affection in ways that are appropriate and comfortable for her.
- Don't ask why she did or didn't do certain things.
- Read books and articles to learn more. Talk to advocates. They are available to support significant others, friends and family members as well as survivors.
- Reassure her that you still love her.
- Take care of yourself. When you are close to someone who has been assaulted, it is natural for you to go through similar stages of trauma. You will share the feelings of pain, guilt, shame and powerlessness. You may become angry. You must take care of yourself and find healthy ways to deal with your feelings in order to support the survivor.